diary

she posted asking about what makes us happy.. this was my reply:

( je dit.. )

& continuing that thought, as i said i would.

i think that might have been it. to be free. to be. just be. that is all. is that so much to ask for? why did i even get a moment of it, if i couldn't keep it? to give it & then take it away. that's not fair. that's like showing a person who was born blind what the rest of the world is seeing, and then taking it away. if i never saw it, then i wouldn't know what i was missing out on right?

reality is not somewhere i want to be.. why would i want to live in that world.. the "real" world.. there are enough people wasting their lives away there to make up for me. although, i wish they'd escape.. the world would be a better place.

i'll never sacrifice my beautiful mind to the inauspicious black hole of reality.

someone tell me why i'm torturing myself with all of this nonsense.
i wonder if it's all a lie, i wonder if it will be worth it in the end.

i could do something amazing, it would be spectacular. it could be mine in an instant.
instead, i'm doing something mediocre, less than spectacular. it will never really be mine.


i wish i was a little kid again, when everyone said that dreams were everything, & to follow them.
my dreams are now lost in a tangled web of lies.
i am the person i said i would never become.

there is nothing quite as frightening as losing ones mind.
absolutly nothing.

i have a perpetual headache. actually, it's not so much a head ache as a pressure.. as if there is a large industrial vice on my brain that never lets up.
i have to concentrate on concentrating. maybe i might not notice if i was not the way that i am. maybe if i was not so introverted, i wouldn't notice.
i feel so much less intelligent. i feel so not like myself. i want me back.


they say sometimes you have to loose yourself to find yourself. i think i'm in limbo between the two.. between knowing myself, and having already lost myself. and i find that even worse. maybe i need to loose myself.. physically, and mentally.
it's so unfortunate.. i really did used to know myself.. what happened to that? where did that person go? i don't even know this person now.. i'm a total stranger.

the headache just will not go away.. advil might as well be M&Ms now. they don't do a think. i feel weak and tired all the time.


i need to fix me.

I had teriyaki today.
It's healthy.. but it's still a lot of food.

I don't have anything interesting to say at the moment.. or rather.. anything thats not total rubish.

i have been eating consume for the last THREE DAYS and i have GAINED THREE POUNDS. WHAT THE FUCK. no, not the consume that people usually have as a light soup.. the CANCER PATIENT consume. the LIQUID DIET comsume. fucking water & vegetable boullion.. ONE teaspoon of vegtable boullion on each bowl.. just ONE (1tsp veg. boullion = 10 cals.) umm soo thats HOW many calories a day???

so, as of seeing the scale this morning and almost having a heart attack.. i caved this evening and had 2 large frappuccinos and a bunch of that cake & desert crap from starbucks. umm & its not like i gained weight because i was in starvation mode.. to gain weight you have to first EAT SOMETHING. fuck. how does that HAPPEN? i wonder if it's water weight.. because consume is basically just hot water.. flavored. but really.. this is ridiculous. well, in the morning.. if im like 105 (that makes me panic tremendously just thinking of seeing that on the scale) then i know its because my body is holding on to all that crap i ate today in case it doesnt get any real food for awhile.

AHH.

I ate nothing yesterday.
I got one hour of sleep.
I worked out until I blacked out.

Sometimes I think I feel like crying. But it's been so long I don't even know what I feel anymore. I think myself & I need to be re-aquainted.

Oh my CARBS.

Only drinking water for the rest of the day.